Lately I am reading everything that crosses my way about women, violence about women, women in adverts, women in positions of power, anything related to feminism.
Today I read this article "My boyfriend 'sort-of' raped me. But I didn't break up with him" and here are my thoughts about it. Some surprising thoughts even to myself.
I think the most important thing to start talking here is CONSENT. We men and women need to re-educate ourself, and truly understand consent. It should the taught by heart and deep to the bone that consent in sexual intercourse is essential, fundamental and an absolute must all the way through with no grey areas. And for that, we need to talk about it, and the person telling her story is very brave to do so in order we get there.
To decide if it is rape? or not rape? legally a crime? or whatever, I don't know because I am not a lawyer. But what I know is that it was something totally unacceptable, it was an aggression and it was about power. Here the problem is not the amount of harm, the problem is the attitude toward women in today society and the many doubts about what it's acceptable or what is not.
What I think is very sad is that, like her, so many women after something like this happening to them, they will stay with the guy, and minimise the thing going around if it was or not was rape? was it legally rape? what it actually was? In any case and in lack of a descriptive or legal definition, it was unacceptable and totally lacking of CONSENT. And not being able to see this instantly says a lot of where we are as society in terms of feminism. Meaning we are in a not very good place. Not men, but neither women, if we are not able to realised when sex it's used to assault us. And when you say no, it is assault.
And now I am going to be polemic. I would not have thought so deeply about consent, the concept and what it really means, the importance of vocalise it, if I had not read Fifty Shades. It is not only about being able to say no, consent is also about saying yes clearly. Whatever people say, consent is essential all the way through the story and it is there from beginning to end. Anyway, don't bash at me yet. I have learnt it is an immediate reaction to anyone saying anything good about Fifty Shades. But let's remember this is a fictional novel, and because I am a curios person, after reading the books I did my internet research about kinksters. And ok, some of the stuff is clearly not for everyone. But I will tell you what should be for everyone and what we can learnt from them. The principles they insist on and repeat over and over again: trust, respect, safety and CONSENT. You may like or not what they do consent about, but that's a different matter.
Trust, respect, safety and consent, the lack of them, apply perfectly to the story we're discussing. The grey area we place them because this may be not a rape but a rape-ish thing it's appalling and depressing. Realising that I have learnt there is no grey area about consent thanks to Fifty Shades of Grey and reading in kinky websites is surprising and ironic. But it is what it is!
